“It happens to be the one thing women find hard to give“, writes Jed Diamond Ph.D
How
many times have we heard the phrase, “All men want is sex?” When I was 17 yearsold I was sure it was true. When I was 37 years old, I suspected it might notbe true. And now that I’m 73 years old, I know it’s not true. Now don’t get mewrong, sex can be wonderful at any age, but there’s something that is moreimportant than sex, but it’s something that men have difficulty admitting andwomen have difficulty giving.Thisunderstanding has dawned on me slowly and became most evident to me in my men’sgroup. I’ve been meeting regularly with six other guys for thirty-eight yearsand sex has been a topic that has run through our discussions over the years.Like all guys, we are somewhat competitive and we all want to be seen assuccessful, but we also have learned to be honest with each other. We not onlytalk about our sexual successes, but also our failures, fears, and confusions.
Fromthe time I was young I learned that wanting sex was synonymous with being aman. In high school, I remember overhearing a girl I liked talking about a guywe both knew. She wasn’t complaining that he was preoccupied with sex, but thathe “didn’t come on to me like other guys do.” She went on to tell hergirlfriend, “He’s not being very manly.” The message was clear, “real men” wantsex and if you don’t “come on” to a girl, you’re not a real man.
Thisearly lesson was validated through the years: Always wanting sex is the mark of manliness for many. It’sbetter to be turned down again and again and be seen as a jerk who is totally preoccupied withsex than to want something more than sex and be seen as “less than a man.”
So,what do men want more than sex? We’ve all heard that women need to feel loved to have sex, but men need tohave sex to feel loved. Let’s look moredeeply at what it is exactly that men are getting when they get sex. Sure,there is the physical pleasure, but there is a deeper need that is beingsatisfied. I call it the need for a safeharbor.
Theworld of men is a world of competition. On the most basic level, males competewith other males for access to the most desirable females. Males make theadvances and females decide which males they will accept. Sure, in modern timesthese roles are less rigid than they once were, but for the most part, whetherwe’re peacocks or people, we strut our stuff and hope it’s good enough to getus chosen by the woman we go after.
Gettingtaken into her body gives us a sense of peace and homecoming that goes waybeyond simple sexual pleasure. Of course, I’m talking about heterosexual menhere. There’s a similar dynamic in the gay world, but here I’ll focus on menand women.
Manyof us remember the early school dances we attended. If you wanted to hold agirl in your arms, you had to make the long walk across the room with everyonewatching and ask the girl to dance. If she accepted, you were in heaven. If sherefused you were in hell. The key here is that you must make yourselfvulnerable to rejection to hold and be held by a girl.
Bythe time we become adults, we’ve already been battered and bruised by the worldof competition and rejection. We long for that safe harbor where we don’t haveto pretend to be something we’re not in order to be chosen. We long for someonewho sees us for who we are and wants us anyway, who can hold us and touch, notjust our body, but our hearts and souls.
“Alwayswanting sex” is part of the male persona we wear to show we’re manly. What wereally want is a safe harbor where we can take refuge, relax, and be cared for.In other words, we want the feeling of being nurtured that most of usdidn’t get enough of when we were children. But admitting these needsmakes us feel like little boys, not big strong men. Better to be manly with oursexual desire and then once we’re inside her body, we can relax, be ourselves,and be infused with love. That’s the hidden desire we have when we have sex.
Oneof the things I love getting from my wife, Carlin, is to lay in her lap andhave my scalp rubbed. This is one, wonderful, safe harbor. I don’t need to havesex in order to have this need satisfied. I just have to ask for it. Here, I’mbeing touched deeply, accepted completely. I don’t have to perform or provemyself. I just must be willing to be deeply vulnerable.
Justas it’s difficult for men to ask to be held, nurtured, and touched; it’s oftendifficult for women to give that kind of intimacy. There are three mainreasons, which are often subconscious:
- First, women have their own conditioning about men beingmen. If he doesn’t want sex, they worry that they may not be attractive enough.
- Second, a man wanting to be held and nurtured triggersfeelings that they are dealing with a boy, not a man. I can’t tell you how manyclients I have who say things like “It’s like I’ve got three children in thehouse. There are our two sons, and then there’s my husband.” Women want a manbut worry they have another little boy.
- Third, women fear men who don’t feel manly. They knowthat the most violent men are men who feel weak and powerless. They’ve oftenhad experiences of men allowing themselves to be gentle and vulnerable, only tohave them respond with anger and rage later.
Ittakes a lot of time and maturity for men to admit to themselves that they needa safe harbor where they can be nurtured and embraced by a woman. It takes alot of courage to let his woman know he may want sex, but more important is hisneed for security, love, and nurture. It requires a level of wisdom to knowthat allowing ourselves to be as vulnerable as a child may be the manliestthing a man can do.
For a woman, she must also go beyond her own conditioning and be open to a man who is making himself vulnerable in new ways. She must have a great deal of self-love and self-confidence to accept being a safe harbor. She must also have the strength to protect herself when his shame at being vulnerable turns to anxiety, anger, or depression. It isn’t easy for men and women to take these kinds of risks, but the payoff is a life-time of deepening love and intimacy.
Thisstory was published on Medium, but was originally publishedon MenAlive and republished on The Good MenProject
